Can I call you Tony?

I want to apologize to the 8 people I had dinner with Saturday night.

I asked our waiter Anthony if we could call him Tony--his rather brusque answer was "NO I go by Anthony." Oh good an uptight waiter. Its not like I asked if I could call him Jackass.

(I didn't say the next line but in hindsight should have) Dude you are a waiter, we will be paying you to serve us, we should be able to call you anything with in reason or I should have just pulled a Tony Soprano like rant.

Apparently I angered him.

Guess what--you turned down the name Tony so from here on you will be called Fucknuts-Shitbags.

We showed up at the Rustic Grill in Sarasota expecting a great experience. None of us had been there except for Mr. Crabs, his ShitYard drinking--Yankees Fan Wife and myself for a film festival party a few years ago although we didn't eat there. Based on the ambiance from that night we had high hopes.

ShitYard drinker and I chatted when we arrived that we recalled some differences but than again there were 500 people the first time we were there and perhaps we had downed a few cocktails prior to the last visit. The fish tank was still there but alas the magic was gone.

Brief timeline

7:30--sit down, nice room, 2 other parties of at least 8 at the other 2 tables in the room. The table behind me was filled with 10 guys all dressed a little too well. Why did I let the "batting from the other side of the plate" table be at my back. I would have preferred knowing if I was going to be violated. At least if I saw it coming I could throw Mr. Crabs in front of me and let him take the brunt of it. I could even trip Bigfoot and use him as a door block. At 6' 6" if I wedged him in the door horizontally they would never get out. To be clear even though he is a sizable dude this would be my only chance of him protecting me from my from any anal invaders. I am pretty sure that the sub 5' LittleFoot is tougher.

7:45--order wine and some appetizers and ask my unfortunate naming convention question. Fucknuts-shitbags immediately showed how far that stick is up his ass.

8:00--this should have been our first clue besides the uptight waiter...15 minutes to bring the wine. It was selected by Mr. Crabs and we all agreed solid work there as they were both excellent.

8:30--is it me or have we been sitting here for 1 hour? Some rumbling beginning at the table..might be BigFoot's stomach though. I see the water lady glance at our table and my empty water glass but we don't exist to her...it is uncanny how she can manage to get the other 18 people in the room water but no one at our table! I realize there is a water shortage in Florida so does that mean they pick a large table every night and refuse water? ARE WE INVISIBLE? There goes Fucknuts-shitbags. Right around our table..so close...Hey TONY how about some service..or at least a refill of the brown bags that contained muffins so small we were all making the same joke; "look at how huge I am--I make this muffin appear small" Well LittleFoot didn't make that joke, she probably felt like she had finally found a normal sized muffin. I think BigFoot ate 15 of those--in 3 bites.

8:35--hey look appetizers. I think the strategy is starve them so the food will taste good no matter what. Well let me think here--a cheese plate, some fried green tomatoes and rustic french fries, well of course that took 45 minutes. At least Fucknuts-shitballs did bring the appetizers to us so we knew he still worked there. BTW the other tables seemed to be getting great service. 35 minutes between visits from Fuckbnuts-shitbags---oh sorry didn't mean to stress you out.

9:10--I have 15 more gray hairs, Mr. Crabs is wondering how soon the Nikkei was going to open and Bigfoot and myself went to the bathroom together to lighten the mood at the table or we just wanted to make the table behind us feel more comfortable. Wow here comes Fucknuts-shitbags with the entrees. He does still exist.

9:45--ShitYard drinkers entree was ice cold. I actually believe this all her fault. She was the only one who ordered elk and everyone knows they are hard to hunt down in Florida. We are pretty sure the potatoes went from the freezer to the plate. We had a Canadian with us and they are wonderful for a few things. Their Navy...oh wait that isn't one of them. They refuse to live with bad service. The Canadian called over Fucknuts-shitbags who feigned amazement that everyones entrees were cold. Only ShitYards was ice cold so that was the one we complained about the most. Heat lamps anyone? Timing 8 meals is too hard for a nice restaurant? Did they run out of plates? The elk trampled 2 of the sous chefs?

10:00--the manager comes out and asks what we want to do. I volunteer they should comp all the meals but I don't think I said it loud enough. One of the bottles of wine ended up being comped but ShitYards meal was still on the bill. Why do managers ask us what we want? What happened to we will comp your meal and all the wine. You are the m-a-n-a-g-e-r you are supposed to know what to do to make your customers happy! REMEMBER this--it always includes removing the offending meal from the bill. None of us will ever go back there.

Sidelights of the night: Fucknuts-shitbags seemed to lighten up when the other 2 tables left and actually showed some personality. He still sucks as a waiter but I think he took the stick out and promptly inserted in into...

Bigfoot ass. He ordered a double Kahlua, double Baileys decaf coffee. Turns out they had to put it in a pint glass and it was a $34.25 coffee! I will admit it was tasty but I am pretty sure we know where the stick went...no lube, no kissing, welcome to your $34.25 coffee.

Good times! At least we got to see Mr. Crabs act retarded for 15 minutes and recount our plans for the Short-Bus Olympics. Nothing like the 12 pack drinking 3 legged race.